이희산 형제가 성도님들에게 편지를 보내왔습니다.  읽으시고, 기도해 주시고, 가능하신 분은 답신도 해 주시기 바랍니다.   

Dear Supporters,

This support letter will be unlike the ones you received before. For the first time, I will be completely honest with you, and tell you exactly what I have felt and thought for the time I’ve been here in China. Though this letter may be long, please read this letter all the way through.

Let me start from the very beginning. Before coming to China, I met my first girlfriend. I loved this girl, and I wanted to spend every waking moment beside her. However, it was not meant to be, so we separated about a month afterwards. Though a month might not seem like much for some people, it meant the world to me. My heart was crushed, and I couldn’t function properly afterwards. I hated going to school, even though I was a student teacher, and I just didn’t feel like doing anything. I was depressed. During this time, I was very weak and vulnerable, which made me very sensitive to every emotion within me. I felt intense jealousy whenever I saw any guys near my ex-girlfriend, I felt intense loneliness whenever people hung out without me, and I felt intense anger whenever people roughed up my ego even just a little.

Needless to say, this became a huge problem for my relationship with everyone. I became distant from my friends and most importantly my church. I wanted to tell everyone, but I was too ashamed to tell them about my weakness and pain. I felt too guilty about feeling all these different emotions and apologizing every single time. I hated myself for feeling angry and bitter with everyone, and I decided the best thing would be to just avoid everyone all the time. I distanced myself from my church family before leaving for China, and I felt guilty ever since.

I know this may sound like an excuse for my lack of support letters, but it’s the honest, uncomfortable truth. It embarrasses me to send emails asking for support from people I’ve wronged , and I’m a little scared of sending this letter, but I realized that I need to admit it to myself and apologize to my church and my friends.

I am sorry Tucson True Light and Passage Fellowship. I let my emotions get the best of me, and let it come between us. I just did what was best for me without thinking about what it would do to our relationship. I should never have distanced myself and hurt you. Please forgive me of my mistakes. I realize now that I honestly cannot do this mission trip wholeheartedly knowing there’s this wall between us. I need your support and encouragement. I need your prayers and blessings. I absolutely cannot do this alone. I’ve tried, and it only made me a miserable and lonely person in China. I hope this letter will help you to understand me, not as a person off in China, but as a brother close in Christ.

Thank you so much for reading this letter. Send me an email to hesaw914@gmail.com or a message on facebook/skype (hesaw914) if you aren’t too busy. It would mean the world to me. I love and miss you all.

Love,

HeeSan Lee